A Birdemic of Racism

American birders are finally liberated from 400 years of colonialism

Are you one of the tens of millions of Americans who abstains from looking at birds because of their unwelcoming, un-inclusive names? Good news! You can finally look skyward once more without risk of reliving your traumas - NPR reports that “American Ornithological Society has vowed to change the English names of all bird species currently named after people, along with any other bird names deemed offensive or exclusionary.”

Formerly known as the Jefferson Davis Nuthatch, this bird has been re-named Anti-Colonialism

Wildlife biologist Colleen Handel is leading the charge. "We've come to understand that there are certain names that have offensive or derogatory connotations that cause pain to people, and that it is important to change those, to remove those as barriers to their participation in the world of birds," says Handel.

This is a move that makes perfect sense, and it is completely realistic to think that there are people who know nothing about birds who also know that there are birds who were named after people who do not live up to 2023’s moral standards, and that’s why they know nothing about birds. Nothing ass-backwards and ridiculous about that. Everyone’s heard the stories about inner city kids who becomes captivated by pigeons and sparrows, only to learn that the only North American species of the genus Rhynchophanes, McCown’s Longspur, was named after a Confederate general. Another birding career strangled in the crib. We see it every day.

The David Duke Jay, Falwell’s Hawk, and the George W Bush Titmouse, have been renamed as the Racism = Power+Prejudice Jay, the Homophilic Hawk, and the Ugh, White People Titmouse respectively

Maybe this is for the best - people are flawed, and can never live up to the moral perfection that we demand in our bird names. Kenn Kaufman, a birder who has written numerous field guides, was against the change at first but has come on board. His quotes read like the increasingly desperate missives of a hostage, realizing that his captors are going to do whatever they want.

"I knew the young people who had started this Bird Names for Birds movement, and I tried to talk some sense into them," he recalls. "But the longer we discussed this, the more I came around to seeing their viewpoint."

"It's going to feel like a bother to some people, but I think it's actually an exciting opportunity," says Kaufman. "It's an exciting opportunity to give these birds names that celebrate them — rather than some person in the past.”

"There are birds in South America that were named for friends of mine," adds Kaufman. "I would like to think that they would accept this, for the benefit that it brings."

Sorry Kenn, those people are from the past, a scary, dark, and evil place. They went to their graves thinking they’d left a legacy in the world of ornithology, but they should have had the good sense to be born and come of age in the present. They must be purged in the fires of moral righteousness.

What other names for things should we arbitrarily change to reflect our momentary moral passions in a futile attempt to change reality by changing the words we use to describe reality? Leave your suggestions in the comments!